Health Care Skeptic Gifts

'Of course you can have a second opinion. Let's just hope he gets here in time.'

'Sorry, our HMO doesn't approve treatments of 'owies'.'

Managing the NHS budget

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

I can get you a great inexpensive knee operation in India! Here's my card.

"Goodness! This health care plan is $750 a month! This one is $1200 a month! And this one is $1500 a month!"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Get another opinion if you wish, Mr. Von Flip...But I'm confident it will still come up ' heads - we operate.'"

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'