Health Care Skeptic Gifts

'Of course you can have a second opinion. Let's just hope he gets here in time.'

'Sorry, our HMO doesn't approve treatments of 'owies'.'

Managing the NHS budget

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

I can get you a great inexpensive knee operation in India! Here's my card.

"Goodness! This health care plan is $750 a month! This one is $1200 a month! And this one is $1500 a month!"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Get another opinion if you wish, Mr. Von Flip...But I'm confident it will still come up ' heads - we operate.'"

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

'I'm can't tell if this card from our insurance company is optimistic encouragement or a threat!'