Medical Skeptic Gifts

'Mrs. Tomkins says her prescription has no side effects, so it can't be doing her any good.'

'Mrs. Nortman just sent in this fax of a rash that she's got on her stomach.'

'I'd prescribe the drug, but considering the side effects, you're better off with the disease.'

"You can't have your baby today...Dr. Caruthers is speaking at the medical convention on 'Building Patient Trust'."

"I understand that your chakra may be 'out of alignment', but can we check first if your broken arm might be causing your pain?"

'This is probably the first person to have died from a homeopathy overdose... '

'I think it's a placebo, so I paid with a fake credit card.'

"With respect, my medical degree trumps your online-diagnosis search."

"Yes, everything—I need a list of all the medications you're on."

"And who gave you the first opinion? Facebook, twitter, or whatsapp?"

'Possible side effects: dizzyness, mood swings, lack of breath, suicidal thoughts, insomnia, scurvy, hair loss and impotence. Benefits: may clear up that rash behind your ear.'

'Good news, Mr. Bloom. Your condition isn't serious - just expensive.'

T-Shorts: 'The ad said: 'Ask your doctor!' I did, and he said it was crapola!'

"I'm skipping straight to a second opinion, in the first one, I thought you were OK."

"...A doctor? ... You'll be lucky. Last week I was examined by one of the cleaners!"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

Alternative Medicine

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

Low self esteem workshop - 'You missed it. It finished two hours ago, you useless pillock.'