Diagnostic Skeptic Gifts

"Son, I’d say the ACL tear is the least of your problems."

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

Coincidence or What?

'My philosophy has always been, sell advice, don't follow it.'

Low self esteem workshop - 'You missed it. It finished two hours ago, you useless pillock.'

"I'm starting to prefer the ones who don't believe in me."

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

A shrink charges $200 an hour, but double chocolate layer cake is only $19.95.

'You can do whatever you want, Herb, but I sure wouldn't take advice from a bowl of alphabet soup!'

'Don't worry! If your self diagnosis turns out to be correct this time, this will take care of it.'

Myth Diagnosis

"Huh! Never a miracle vaccine when you want one - then three come along at the same time - bloody typical!"

Therapy Group For Those Who Are Afraid of Therapy Groups

"And if Ooh, Eeh, Ooh Ah Ah doesn't work, we'll try Walla Walla Bing Bang."

Doing Something About the Weather

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

'Mrs. Tomkins says her prescription has no side effects, so it can't be doing her any good.'

"What do the know!"

Alternative Accountants

"Sorry. No refunds."

"Your call and personal data may be monitored for brainwashing purposes."

"Thanks for your input Branston, but I've decided to go with my intution"

"Your internet researched analysis of your condition and treatment is impressive,and it would be 100% on target...if you were a goat!"

2013: psychoanalysis is formally declared a scam.

'I'm not coming here again Doctor Melrose. I'd rather talk to my plants.'

"I think the dosage needs adjusting. I'm not nearly as happy as the people in the ads."

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

"Yes, everything—I need a list of all the medications you're on."

That was refreshing. My long, sad story? No, my nap.

A person is reading another person's thoughts.

PERSONNEL, 'Your resume has everything but verisimilitude.''

'I'm not paying $200 per hour for therapy, so you must be the one who's nuts.'

'Our actual performance over the last quarter depends much on one's perspective. Take, for example, this perspective.'

'Mrs. Nortman just sent in this fax of a rash that she's got on her stomach.'