Medicine Skeptic Gifts

'Pop, is that where they make all of those new medicines with the bad side effects?'

"I think the dosage needs adjusting. I'm not nearly as happy as the people in the ads."

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

Alternative Medicine

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"Republicans, Democrats...as long as they keep getting sick, we'll be all right."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

Two plus two equals five. I don't think so. The earth is flat, or maybe it's shaped like a fish. Huh? Many Republican candidates don't believe in evolution!!! Math, science -- who needs 'em really. That's what I said in high school.

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"What I like about intelligent design is that it explains everything will proving nothing."

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

"I totally meant to do that."

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

"Solar flares may be a contributing factor or perhaps it's a negative vibe sensitivity...."

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."