Medical System Critic Gifts

'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'

Counter recording 'time elapsed' and 'cost so far' during surgery.

'First we're going to run some tests to see how your insurance reacts.'

"All of the tests will determine if you can afford any of them."

Playing doctor: 'This time I get to play the HMO bureaucrat who decides if you live or die.'

'Your latest test results indicate you should accelerate your payments to us.'

"While it's not a cure, it does mean a guaranteed income for me."

"I'd like to get your number of useless medical tests up a bit.'

'You look sick. Why don't you see your health insurance underwriter to see what he'll allow your doctor to prescribe?'

"If it's any consolation, the money we earn from private patients is helping keep you while you're on the waiting list."

'Your results are in. For an extra doctors fee I'll let you have them.'

'Are you ready for you scam - I mean, scan?'

'They said on the NHS an Afghan sling was the only thing available for a broken leg.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

"Surgery up here is free!"

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

Who gets the anti-corona vaccine?

"We don't offer a health-care plan. Instead, we have Lou persuade you not to get sick."

"I'm prescribing a patch. It will dispense meds as permitted by your insurance company."

"... and keep him off al news coverage of healthcare reforms."

'We'll see significant savings in health care costs with our new in-house operations.'

BMA criticises 'Black Hole' of NHS IT spending

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

"We are here to remove a blockage in your bank account."

"Republicans, Democrats...as long as they keep getting sick, we'll be all right."

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

'The NHS is committed to patients having control over their care...So if you'd like to check your symptoms online I'll be back later for a diagnosis and careplan.'

NHS Reforms: See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil.

The World Pharmaceutical Corporation

'I wasn't feeling ill, doctor, until I started hearing about the NHS reforms.'

"It looks like we're out of sample placebos."

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

Surgical Self-Service

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Republican Healthcare