Meal Skeptic Gifts

"Please don't kill me."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

"Hey, waiter! This homework is burnt to a crisp!"

"Mummy said dinner was brussels sprouts tonight. What about we drop by the park and see if the old man sitting on the bench can feed us instead?"

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"What do you have that won't kill me?"

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

Fishing rod coming out of a health farm towards a hot dog stand.

Now all meals contain 'Enzymate' for fast digestion.'

The Aisle

'They're not mints - they're antacid tablets.'

'I can't have you spending all of your money on fancy restaurants like this, Jeff.'

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

'Which are the most popular and least popular items, and which have been on the menu the longest and shortest times?'

'In case of emergency, break glass.'

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

"Sorry, I can't tell your parents you're allergic to broccoli."

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

Grocery Store - Warning: Contents may be hazardous to your health

'Let me introduce my biggest supporter, a real whale of a guy, a huge fan..'

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

Lite Beer.

"Still workin' on that, sir?"

"Sure, pal, whatever you say. Ha ha! The salmon is fresh."

"Management would like you to keep in mind that the latest research indicates that everything on our 'Healthy Menu' is now unhealthy."

An everything bagel? You call this an everything bagel?

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

"I want proof that I even need that much iron before I go eating all that spinach."

'Popcorn, carrot cake, and potato chips do not count as three servings of vegetables.'