Meal Philosopher Gifts

"I'm confused. Is this a late lunch or is it early dinner?"

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

View to the Future

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'Is it guilt that when you eat us that we are no longer called pigs but bacon, pork chops or ham?'

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

"To paraphrase Nietzsche, there is no pleasure without pain au chocolat."

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'If I order pasta and she orders antipasta, did we really order anything?'

"Please don't kill me."

Surprise in the salad bowl

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

You'll be a manicotti soon enough, son - Just enjoy being a mostaccioli while it lasts.

"On second thought, just give me the ham and forget the roast beef."

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"Carpe pizza"

"What does the time traveler do when he's hungry? Go back four seconds."

'Young lady, I'm afraid existential despair is no excuse for not eating your lima beans.'

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

"Is it free-range?"

The Politics of Food.

'I'm saving some for leftovers tomorrow.'

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

"Where's my order!? This service is terrible! That stuff will be cold by the time it gets here!! What's the hold-up!?!"

"They have oat fiber, wheat fiber, and rice fiber, but no moral fiber."

"First you make a roux."

'School of nutrition - as of today: Butter, good...'

"Your moon is in the House of Pancakes."