Meal Metaphorist Gifts

'Faux-horse beef for me, faux-beef horse for the wife.'

Domestic Goddess.

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

View to the Future

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

"To paraphrase Nietzsche, there is no pleasure without pain au chocolat."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

'If I order pasta and she orders antipasta, did we really order anything?'

Surprise in the salad bowl

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"On second thought, just give me the ham and forget the roast beef."

You'll be a manicotti soon enough, son - Just enjoy being a mostaccioli while it lasts.

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'Young lady, I'm afraid existential despair is no excuse for not eating your lima beans.'

"What does the time traveler do when he's hungry? Go back four seconds."

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

"Is it free-range?"

'I love it when you cook - it lets me practice faking it.'

"First you make a roux."

"They have oat fiber, wheat fiber, and rice fiber, but no moral fiber."

'I'm saving some for leftovers tomorrow.'

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

The Politics of Food.

'School of nutrition - as of today: Butter, good...'

"Your moon is in the House of Pancakes."

"Eating a diet rich in vibrant colors does not mean a bowl of Skittles."

"I can't have anything that's a food."

'Ah, Garbanzo, truly you are a noble bean.'

O'Malley's Pub. Special: Cloned Beef and Cabbage. Is nothing sacred anymore?