Kitchen Critic Gifts

'I've had it with this kitchen!'

"When we remodeled, we decided to go with the granite countertop."

'He can dish it out but can he take it?'

"Sometimes all you want is a mediocre place to eat something you could have made better yourself if you weren't so lazy."

"I should have known he has absolutely no morals - I've seen how he loads a dishwasher."

Just say no.

'Hey, Frenchie - you call this paupiettes de beouf aux legumes?'

'Hey, I enjoyed that meal. Did you get the caterers in, or something?'

'Henri! We found your sweatband!'

'One thing about your salads, I learn a lot about insects. You forgot to wash the lettuce again!'

'Meat cooked? Yes, but the carrots are hard.'

'Carrot cake!.. What's next?.. Broccoli cake?'

"I never heard of a kitchen renovation, either, that was not followed by a divorce."

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"Guilty! The broth was awful!"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

6 Brothers Falafel

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter