Impromptu Comedian Gifts

10 items or less queue. (Woman has thrown eggs onto floor).

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'OK, so I fumbled. Now can you cure it or not?'

Optimist

'She'll never look for me here.'

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"Am I sensing fear?"

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

Infinity Tavern

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

'...Plus $847.93 for replacing our front door....'

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

"Larry does all his own stunts."

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"Relax, Marge! I'm sure the folks at 'Ultimate Pirate Adventures'. . ."

"The key is to keep the momentum going when you're establishing the base of the snowman..."

Astronaut plants flag and deflates the moon.

'So the guidance suggests that if anyone threatens you, throw it them.'

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

Bathing and Showering.

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

"I blacked out for ten minutes this morning - Then I realised I had put my hoodie on backwards."

'People say I don't listen to other's opinions. That's not true, is it Binky?'

Canoeing Incorrectly