Impromptu Comedian Mugs

10 items or less queue. (Woman has thrown eggs onto floor).

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'OK, so I fumbled. Now can you cure it or not?'

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

Optimist

'She'll never look for me here.'

"Am I sensing fear?"

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

'...Plus $847.93 for replacing our front door....'

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

'So the guidance suggests that if anyone threatens you, throw it them.'

"Larry does all his own stunts."

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

Astronaut plants flag and deflates the moon.

"The key is to keep the momentum going when you're establishing the base of the snowman..."

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

Bathing and Showering.

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

Canoeing Incorrectly

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

'People say I don't listen to other's opinions. That's not true, is it Binky?'

"I blacked out for ten minutes this morning - Then I realised I had put my hoodie on backwards."