Humorous Home Protector Gifts

"I'd say that she's warming up to you!"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

A Hole in the Dike

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

Dog Bookends

It's for you.

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

'Hello, security.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

"It's not much, but we've made it our own living hell."

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

"My client is being more than fair. She is willing to let you keep all the shoes and the house."

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

While you were out

"The carpet really brings the room together."

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

Goldfish in Bowl, "And this is the sitting room and the bedroom and the toilet and...."

"Good defenses make good neighbors."

'You called a plumber!'

'Look out!! My wife is going to hit your with my new 2-iron!'

"This article says girls will come and go...but family give us unconditional love and will always be there."

Selling Home Security Systems.

"You should've called me sooner!"

"Beware of owner."

Beware of the Dog.

"Her name is 'Precious', but her nickname is 'why we can't have nice things.'"

Man installing a burglar alarm,

Do you know why the kitchen ceiling is dripping?

'Hey, I love the moat.'