Home Security Humorist Gifts

"I want him to stay alert."

Beware of the Dragon

"Quick Henry, pretend you're going to attack me."

"Ha Ha, it's just a small mongrel he calls 'Kalashnikov'."

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

"I'm not sure if we're named after passwords or vice versa."

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"I forgot to turn on the alarm." "It's all right, Peedy is there."

"Why can't we just have a normal home security system like the neighbours."

'No it's still not fixed'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"I don't think I can be truly happy unless I have more passwords."

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

How to Build a Bungalow

Munich Security Conference

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

'Hello, security.'

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

"She barks once for drugs, twice for weapons, and ten times for candy bars."

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'Could you take a quick look and see if I lost a filling on the upper left row of teeth?'

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

'Yes, Fluffy was a great dog and to honor her memory, we've decided to keep her name as part of our computer password.'

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"