Home Maintenance Humorist Gifts

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

Penguin emerges from freezer. Man says: 'This freezer needs defrosting.'

'I've got a dripping tap and a tapping drip.'

Monopoly 'You need to underpin your house �200 each'

"I found your foot soak, but I can't find my quick-dry cement."

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'No it's still not fixed'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

How to Build a Bungalow

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Wallpapering 4

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

We're with the gutter cleaning service ….

Oh, yeah, we love having a walk-out basement.

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'