High Maintenance Humorist Gifts

'May I have a glass of Perrier with a twist of lemon and a straw?'

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

Alcoholics Anonymous - 'Nowadays every bottle seems to say 'drink me'.'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

"I'd like an aisle seat, please."

Budget reaction.

"I'm glad you like this new brand of coffee, Joni. The label said "fast-acting," but who knows what that means!"

"He said 'Sumer is icumen in Lhude sing cuccu!' Why do you ask?"

Bald man polishing head

Is there a company doctor in the house?

'How damp is this place? Let me put it this way: I use mold and mildew remover as a skin care product.'

"Listen, Phil....LOVE the hi-def video conferencing, but next time can you trim your nose hairs?"

'After this my bath water will never seem the same!'

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

"Sorry about the disguise.But we've had to reduce our budget for the 'witness protection programme'."

"What's the difference between being addicted to painkillers and just really, really liking them a lot?"

"But Kevin, why can't we have a proper jacuzzi like next door?"

"You must cut down on your smoking."

Harper's Cat Speaks: 'To whom it may concern: I will be cutting down on kitty treats.'

Penguin emerges from freezer. Man says: 'This freezer needs defrosting.'

Halo Repair

"This guy's been acting kinda funny."

'Burberry cushioning, very nice.'

'The x-rays are conclusive. We found some extra money hidden in the secret compartment of your wallet.'

"She shopped, but she never dropped."

"So what? Germs are also invisible!"

Narcissus visits the ophthalmologist

"The pizza guy wants to know what floor we're on."

Witch on broom followed by witch on hangglider dustpan

"Can we please sign off just one night without the national anthem?"