High-pressure Humorist Gifts

How to spot the early signs of Book Fair meeting meltdown.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"O.K., time's up. Pencils down."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"Most people would jump at an opportunity like this."

Alcoholics Anonymous - 'Nowadays every bottle seems to say 'drink me'.'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

Paunch and Judy.

"I'm glad you like this new brand of coffee, Joni. The label said "fast-acting," but who knows what that means!"

"I'd like an aisle seat, please."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'I understand he has a hard boiled management style.'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'