Powerhouse Humorist Gifts

"You heard me—turn off that fan."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

'It's not as easy as you think - saddle sores, bursitis in the shoulder, pigeons...'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It makes sense when you see the second painting with the lego."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

Champagne at the hunt

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

1,000 places to see after you die by Shirley Maclaine.

Paunch and Judy.

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

Time Travelers from the 21st Century.