Wealthy Humorist Gifts

"The fifty-five-gallon drum is completely filled with pennies, sir. Should it be taken to the bank?"

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Money Bar.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

But under a different accounting convention ...

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'You've been pre-approved for another credit card.'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

You invested in Facebook?! How could you? That bugs you? You, of all people, are mad that the FTC is suing Meta Platforms in an antitrust case? No, I mean how can you afford to invest? If you can afford to buy stock, then I pay you way too much. It was only $40! Quiet, I'm calculating your pay cut.

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'As part of our alternative budget management strategy we've got Tim on 'Hail Marys' in here and Geoff sacrificing a goat to Woden next door!'

The Euro - R.I.P.

'Can you see the future of my 401(k)?'

White Collar Crime.

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"