Elite Humorist Gifts

"I was a late bloomer—I didn't inherit my money until my fifties."

Champagne at the hunt

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

Football Chameleon

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"The Eggsorcist"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

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German School

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

"I've thought about retiring, but there's a great deal of gravity under this chair."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

"What are you doing?"

Man with dollar sign on his t-shirt.

The Evolution Of Man