Hygiene Conscious Humorist Gifts

"We don't know where that thing has been."

Then get under cover before you are struck by lightning.

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"Ohhh...pick me pick me!!"

Chef copy robot

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"Why can't you just learn to floss like other men?"

Vegetarian Nightmare.

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

ABC Vice Company: Employees Must Squash Hands Before Returning to Work

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

A mosquito cleaning the surface of a person's arm before sucking out the blood.

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

Restaurant menu board: 'Day old - 2 day old - 3 day old'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Team medic spraying deodorant

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"Go back! The place is full of mold!"

"One slice—hold the bread."

"Ooh, you’ve got a little piece of retiree caught in your teeth."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

'He's so hip he even used rock 'n roll-on deodorant.'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

'I missed my roommate so I went out and got this spray called, 'Never Showers,' and now it's like she never left.'

'OK, here are the rules: We can't be seen by humans and can't leave droppings around, otherwise, they'll close the restaurant...'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"Thank God!"

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'