Hygiene Conscious Humorist Pillows

"We don't know where that thing has been."

Then get under cover before you are struck by lightning.

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Chef copy robot

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"Why can't you just learn to floss like other men?"

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

Restaurant menu board: 'Day old - 2 day old - 3 day old'

ABC Vice Company: Employees Must Squash Hands Before Returning to Work

A mosquito cleaning the surface of a person's arm before sucking out the blood.

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"Go back! The place is full of mold!"

Team medic spraying deodorant

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

New anti-obesity cookbook.

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"Ooh, you’ve got a little piece of retiree caught in your teeth."

"One slice—hold the bread."

'He's so hip he even used rock 'n roll-on deodorant.'

"Eat lots of carrots."

'I missed my roommate so I went out and got this spray called, 'Never Showers,' and now it's like she never left.'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'OK, here are the rules: We can't be seen by humans and can't leave droppings around, otherwise, they'll close the restaurant...'

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

Formally foods that were good for you.

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

"You forgot my Diet Cola."