High Maintenance Humorist Pillows

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

Alcoholics Anonymous - 'Nowadays every bottle seems to say 'drink me'.'

"I'd like an aisle seat, please."

Budget reaction.

"I'm glad you like this new brand of coffee, Joni. The label said "fast-acting," but who knows what that means!"

Is there a company doctor in the house?

Bald man polishing head

"He said 'Sumer is icumen in Lhude sing cuccu!' Why do you ask?"

'How damp is this place? Let me put it this way: I use mold and mildew remover as a skin care product.'

"Listen, Phil....LOVE the hi-def video conferencing, but next time can you trim your nose hairs?"

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

'After this my bath water will never seem the same!'

"Sorry about the disguise.But we've had to reduce our budget for the 'witness protection programme'."

"What's the difference between being addicted to painkillers and just really, really liking them a lot?"

"But Kevin, why can't we have a proper jacuzzi like next door?"

"You must cut down on your smoking."

Harper's Cat Speaks: 'To whom it may concern: I will be cutting down on kitty treats.'

Penguin emerges from freezer. Man says: 'This freezer needs defrosting.'

Halo Repair

"She shopped, but she never dropped."

"So what? Germs are also invisible!"

Narcissus visits the ophthalmologist

'The x-rays are conclusive. We found some extra money hidden in the secret compartment of your wallet.'

Witch on broom followed by witch on hangglider dustpan

'Burberry cushioning, very nice.'

"This guy's been acting kinda funny."

"Can we please sign off just one night without the national anthem?"

"The pizza guy wants to know what floor we're on."

'You want to get me the owner's manual out of the glove compartment?'