Home Maintenance Humorist Pillows

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

Penguin emerges from freezer. Man says: 'This freezer needs defrosting.'

'I've got a dripping tap and a tapping drip.'

Monopoly 'You need to underpin your house �200 each'

"I found your foot soak, but I can't find my quick-dry cement."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

'No it's still not fixed'

How to Build a Bungalow

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

Wallpapering 4

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'How damp is this place? Let me put it this way: I use mold and mildew remover as a skin care product.'

How men shop for towels.

Dog tallying his score against the mailman.