Home Repair Humorists Pillows

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

'No it's still not fixed'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

How to Build a Bungalow

"It'll need a carburettor transplant, a right wing panel augmentation, and an engine oil transfusion... Maybe you should consider euthanasia."

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

Wallpapering 4

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

"It's not much, but we've made it our own living hell."

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'What kind of bulbs did you put in here?'

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

'That must be the termite inspector.'

"It's important to fix the horn because the brakes don't work..."

'No-one else would brag about being on Rogue Traders.'

'I forgot to close the door?...Seriously? Who puts a door on a hole?'

'You called a plumber!'

You can't beat a nice bit of skirting!

'The developers of this flu vaccine can't explain it, but its only side effect is that it may cause your HVAC system to go hay wire for a bit.'

Penguin emerges from freezer. Man says: 'This freezer needs defrosting.'