Home Repair Humorist Pillows

'If we really did learn from our mistakes you would be as smart as Einstein by now!'

'I don't give estimates...too many heart attacks.'

"So tell me, did you install gold, silver or platinum water pipes?"

The ice maker is leaking. Nothing can be done about that now. It's water under the fridge. F and E Plumbing.

We're with the gutter cleaning service ….

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

'Mom, I said if you want to live in this neighbourhood, keep a weapon at your disposal.'

You'll just have to tell the plumber to go. The 'leak' in the refrigerator I told you about is a vegetable!

'Lady, we got the blockage out of your drainpipe, but the next job this size is gonna be time and a half.'

'No it's still not fixed'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

How to Build a Bungalow

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

"It'll need a carburettor transplant, a right wing panel augmentation, and an engine oil transfusion... Maybe you should consider euthanasia."

Wallpapering 4

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

Oh, yeah, we love having a walk-out basement.

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

"It's important to fix the horn because the brakes don't work..."

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

'That must be the termite inspector.'