Repair Humorist Pillows

'Oh come on, a little touch up paint and a soft cloth, I can buff that out.'

"I think I've fixed the intercom. Just remember to speak into the ceiling fan when the doorbell rings."

'Can you tell me how my new kitchen is coming along?'

The Fuse

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

'No it's still not fixed'

'We auto mechanics get no respect!'

"It'll need a carburettor transplant, a right wing panel augmentation, and an engine oil transfusion... Maybe you should consider euthanasia."

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

'Well, if I have a short circuit, just lengthen it.'

"It's important to fix the horn because the brakes don't work..."

'No-one else would brag about being on Rogue Traders.'

"We're making exiting advances in alternative car care."

'It keeps sensing disturbances in the Force!'

"Instead of filling in all the pot holes, it’d be easier to lower the rest of the road."

"I keep hearing a knocking noise."

"Nails? - Certainly sir. How long do you want them. . . ?"

'See, you misread it - it's void where prohibited by lou!'

'Mom, I said if you want to live in this neighbourhood, keep a weapon at your disposal.'

'It should be changed every 3000 miles? Better change it three times, then.'

'It's not my fault I'm three weeks late - my watch was slow.'

"It will cost $1,200 to fix that dent...or I could just make an identical dent on the other side for $19.99."

"It's a loaner while mine's in the shop."

"Your German spark plugs won't work in your mini cooper because of Brexit."

"My sink drips, my shower runs. And my tub dribbles. I've got more leaks than the White House!"

"Is that better?"

"So tell me, did you install gold, silver or platinum water pipes?"

'Ralph, the toilet is overflowing.'

"I did replace it...with another broken light bulb!"

"Rad's shot. Looks like a drive-by."

Mountain rescue: two men carry a mountain on a stretcher.

You'll just have to tell the plumber to go. The 'leak' in the refrigerator I told you about is a vegetable!