Home Improvement Humorist Pillows

'David discards his measuring tape for the faster 'eyeballing' method of measuring.'

Man covered in nails returning his nail gun to the store.

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

"No, I'm not Swiss. Just a bad accident."

I did it my way.

'It's an addition. I qualified for a home improvemnt loan.'

Washing Line - "I thought you wanted a clothes dryer." (Colour)

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

'What did I say? 'People in glass houses shouldn't hang pictures'.'

"Dad's shingling the roof and mom says she's inches away to an insurance claim that will change her life."

'I forgot to close the door?...Seriously? Who puts a door on a hole?'

'This is my husband,I want you to stop selling him stuff....'

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

How to Build a Bungalow

Secure Your Ladder

"I guess you can stop weeding now."

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

'If you are going to the 'spray tan' salon, will you take our gate I was going to paint it.'

'My hubby only has the occasional mishap when he D.I.Y.s. . . . Oh yes but total disasters, now that's another story!'

He's useless at DIY."

"Well, I'm not sure, it wasn't in the least bit damp"

'The developers of this flu vaccine can't explain it, but its only side effect is that it may cause your HVAC system to go hay wire for a bit.'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

Lost Property - "I'm missing a tile."

"In weather like this it's a comfort having a goof waterproof seal around the front door."

Glazier

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

"Darling! - did you know your books are crooked..?"

"What happened to your finger?"

Skip in a bottle

"I do wish them next door would use shorter nails for their pictures."

"We can put all your stuff in there!"

'We find there's a great saving on window cleaners.'

Microphone adjustment.