Home Improvement Jokester Pillows

'No-one else would brag about being on Rogue Traders.'

"I'm beginning to think getting central heating was a mistake."

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Well, he promised you the moon and stars."

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

Onion operation.

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"Have you been fiddling with the cuckoo clock again, Tony?"

'No it's still not fixed'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

How to Build a Bungalow

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

Wallpapering 4

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

'I wish you'd make those meatballs a little lighter; they hurt!'

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

"Oh, how nice. You're just in time to cut the vegetables,"

'That must be the termite inspector.'

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

"The trick to this particular dish is not letting your mother mess it up."

'I forgot to close the door?...Seriously? Who puts a door on a hole?'

"I'm charging extra to remove the duct tape you thought would work."