Home Repair Jokester Pillows

'Ralph, the toilet is overflowing.'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"If I were a surgeon, Mr. Ferguson, which I ain't, and your car was my patient, which it ain't—except that it is, in a funny sort of way; that is, if you want to look at it like that; you know what I mean—and you was her husband, I'd have to say, 'Sir, your wife is going to need a valve job.,"

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

'No it's still not fixed'

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

How to Build a Bungalow

"It'll need a carburettor transplant, a right wing panel augmentation, and an engine oil transfusion... Maybe you should consider euthanasia."

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

Wallpapering 4

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

'No-one else would brag about being on Rogue Traders.'

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

'That must be the termite inspector.'

"It's important to fix the horn because the brakes don't work..."

"I'm charging extra to remove the duct tape you thought would work."

'You called a plumber!'

'I forgot to close the door?...Seriously? Who puts a door on a hole?'

"I keep hearing a knocking noise."

You can't beat a nice bit of skirting!

'The developers of this flu vaccine can't explain it, but its only side effect is that it may cause your HVAC system to go hay wire for a bit.'

Penguin emerges from freezer. Man says: 'This freezer needs defrosting.'