Home Repair Humorist Gifts

'I don't give estimates...too many heart attacks.'

"So tell me, did you install gold, silver or platinum water pipes?"

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

'Mom, I said if you want to live in this neighbourhood, keep a weapon at your disposal.'

You'll just have to tell the plumber to go. The 'leak' in the refrigerator I told you about is a vegetable!

'Lady, we got the blockage out of your drainpipe, but the next job this size is gonna be time and a half.'

'No it's still not fixed'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

How to Build a Bungalow

"It'll need a carburettor transplant, a right wing panel augmentation, and an engine oil transfusion... Maybe you should consider euthanasia."

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

Wallpapering 4

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'No-one else would brag about being on Rogue Traders.'

'That must be the termite inspector.'

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

"It's important to fix the horn because the brakes don't work..."

"We'll take it."

'I just find it interesting. You remember everything except where your dirty clothes go.'

'I forgot to close the door?...Seriously? Who puts a door on a hole?'

'You called a plumber!'