Home Renovation Humorist Gifts

'I can't believe you've finished the whole room already. You're the quickets painter and decorator I've ever had.'

"Just light the wick and you have a paint that's 'xtremely easy to apply!"

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'I'd like to buy my wife a nose job.'

Ceiling collapse 'Don't worry, that's just settlement.'

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'Can you tell me how my new kitchen is coming along?'

'Is the fire included?'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

A cock up of builders

'No it's still not fixed'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

How to Build a Bungalow

Dog Bookends

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

Wallpapering 4

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

'That must be the termite inspector.'

Affordable housing

'No-one else would brag about being on Rogue Traders.'

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"