Home Repair Humorists Gifts

'Worst chainsaw massacre I've ever seen.'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

'No it's still not fixed'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

How to Build a Bungalow

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

"It'll need a carburettor transplant, a right wing panel augmentation, and an engine oil transfusion... Maybe you should consider euthanasia."

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

Wallpapering 4

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

"It's not much, but we've made it our own living hell."

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

Oh, yeah, we love having a walk-out basement.

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

We're with the gutter cleaning service ….

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'What kind of bulbs did you put in here?'

'No-one else would brag about being on Rogue Traders.'

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

"It's important to fix the horn because the brakes don't work..."

'That must be the termite inspector.'

'You called a plumber!'

'I forgot to close the door?...Seriously? Who puts a door on a hole?'

"Thor, honey, have you nailed that picture up yet?"

You can't beat a nice bit of skirting!

Penguin emerges from freezer. Man says: 'This freezer needs defrosting.'