Home Repair Humor Gifts

'No-one else would brag about being on Rogue Traders.'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"I think I've fixed the intercom. Just remember to speak into the ceiling fan when the doorbell rings."

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

'No it's still not fixed'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

How to Build a Bungalow

'Hey, I just mopped the yard.'

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

Wallpapering 4

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

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'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'Have a nice day, dear. . . no need to get up and make coffee.'

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

'That must be the termite inspector.'

"Maybe Dracula wasn't the best one to try this new detergent."

'I forgot to close the door?...Seriously? Who puts a door on a hole?'

Other uses for boa constrictors: weather strip boa.

You can't beat a nice bit of skirting!

Tools for fools; A panel saw made of sponge rubber.

"...P.S. Stay off the furniture!"

'The developers of this flu vaccine can't explain it, but its only side effect is that it may cause your HVAC system to go hay wire for a bit.'

Penguin emerges from freezer. Man says: 'This freezer needs defrosting.'