Home Cleaning Humorist Gifts

The perfect way to remove red wine stains.

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

There! I've made my year's supply of zucchini bread! That's kind of a lot. How can you store them all? It's no problem. I just throw out last year's supply.

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

'No it's still not fixed'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

How to Build a Bungalow

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

'Don't worry about the dishes. I did them.'

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

Oh, yeah, we love having a walk-out basement.

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

We're with the gutter cleaning service ….

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'How damp is this place? Let me put it this way: I use mold and mildew remover as a skin care product.'

'After this my bath water will never seem the same!'

'That must be the termite inspector.'

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

"If we pull this off, we've made burglary history!"

"The carpet really brings the room together."