Home Defense Humorist Gifts

"I thought I heard something happening down stairs?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

"I forgot to turn on the alarm." "It's all right, Peedy is there."

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

Vocation,vocation,vocation.

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

'You've had a bad day? Try being stuck in this house!'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

Carpet Cows

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."