Home Defense Humorist Pillows

"I thought I heard something happening down stairs?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

Yard Sale

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"I forgot to turn on the alarm." "It's all right, Peedy is there."

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

Vocation,vocation,vocation.

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

Carpet Cows

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

VARIOUS ITEMS OF LABELLED KITCHENWARE.