Home Protection Humorist Gifts

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'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

Yard Sale

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"You overwatered the plant, again."

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"I forgot to turn on the alarm." "It's all right, Peedy is there."

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

'No it's still not fixed'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

How to Build a Bungalow

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

Carpet Cows

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

'You've had a bad day? Try being stuck in this house!'

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

VARIOUS ITEMS OF LABELLED KITCHENWARE.

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

We're with the gutter cleaning service ….