Home Protection Buffs Gifts

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

'Your father installed a security system.'

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

"Okay, what's your next, more expensive security system?"

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'It even has its own built-in home security system!'

'Hello, security.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"Let's pick up our cars now, 'kay Puddin'?"

"My dad put in a new security system."

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

"My client is being more than fair. She is willing to let you keep all the shoes and the house."

'Nice to have a door opener.'

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

While you were out

'I'm taking a poll. Do you feel safe in your own home?'

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

'He's always on the heightened alert!'

"Honey, your radon testing kit is here."

"Which area of the house is the most dangerous? A. Your wet bathroom, B. Your dirty kitchen, or C. Your cluttered garage?"

Beware the Dog

"Good defenses make good neighbors."