Home Protection Enthusiast Gifts

'But sir! That's the best granite, no burglar could get through that.'

"I've a nasty feeling we've had burglars."

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

'Your father installed a security system.'

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"Okay, what's your next, more expensive security system?"

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

'It even has its own built-in home security system!'

'Hello, security.'

"My dad put in a new security system."

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

"Let's pick up our cars now, 'kay Puddin'?"

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

"My client is being more than fair. She is willing to let you keep all the shoes and the house."

'Nice to have a door opener.'

"Which area of the house is the most dangerous? A. Your wet bathroom, B. Your dirty kitchen, or C. Your cluttered garage?"

While you were out

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

"Honey, your radon testing kit is here."

'I'm taking a poll. Do you feel safe in your own home?'

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

Beware the Dog

'He's always on the heightened alert!'

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!