Home Protection Enthusiast Pillows

'But sir! That's the best granite, no burglar could get through that.'

"I've a nasty feeling we've had burglars."

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

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"We've completely child-proofed our home."

'Your father installed a security system.'

'Hello, security.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

'It even has its own built-in home security system!'

"My dad put in a new security system."

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

'Nice to have a door opener.'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

While you were out

"Honey, your radon testing kit is here."

Beware the Dog

'He's always on the heightened alert!'

"Which area of the house is the most dangerous? A. Your wet bathroom, B. Your dirty kitchen, or C. Your cluttered garage?"

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

'I'm taking a poll. Do you feel safe in your own home?'

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'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

"Good defenses make good neighbors."