Home Protection Guru Pillows

'I have no intention of depending on the government for my homeland security.'

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

"Let's pick up our cars now, 'kay Puddin'?"

Beware of the dog.

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

"Am I rusting? I think one of my sections is sinking. Oh, no! I thought I heard the gate squeak."

"We really need to have our rugs vacuumed professionally one of these days."

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

"Honey, your radon testing kit is here."

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

"Which area of the house is the most dangerous? A. Your wet bathroom, B. Your dirty kitchen, or C. Your cluttered garage?"

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

"It's all set. If your husband tries to get into the fridge after 9pm he'll receive an electrical shock

'My masters have upgraded the security system: There's a ten-digit passcode on the cat-flap now...'

"Hi honey, I'm home."

Bathroom privacy options: A guide.

"I think you should turn the water temperature down a bit. The water melted through the tub and then through the floor."

"We have so many security cameras, the doormat says 'Say cheese' instead of welcome."

'It doesn't get nearly enough sun here, but it sure keeps the kids from sliding down the bannister.'

"I'm the temp."

Beware of wireless home security system.

"Dad went back in to get the smoke alarm and the receipt."

Fire Alarm

' ...so we decided to put in our own flood protection scheme.'

House hanging on cliff with 'FILL WANTED' sign.

'You'll have to wait until I find my keys.'

'I'll call 911, and I'd advise you to get rid of that trampoline.'

"Did we switch everything off before we left?"

A Surprise for the Cat Burglar

You Left The Gas On...