Home Protection Buff Pillows

"We have so many security cameras, the doormat says 'Say cheese' instead of welcome."

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

'Throw it out. . . we never use it, unless you can think of someone that might need it.'

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

"Peter quickly learns the limitations of his new hamster ball."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

Man carrying crates of eggs about to step on sleeping dog.

Santa hosing the Chimney.

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

'Hello, security.'

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

"Maybe this is insignificant, what with everything going on in the world, but do we have a fire extinguisher?"

'I know the fire's in the kitchen, but that program just irks the hell out of me.'

'New normal' family life

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'Nice to have a door opener.'

"Did we turn off the stove?"

'Well those stair gates were a complete waste of money'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

'I lost him in the house, but don't worry, a snake that big should be easy to find.'

"Am I rusting? I think one of my sections is sinking. Oh, no! I thought I heard the gate squeak."

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

'I told you he was smart. He turned a potential hazard into a plaything.'