Home Safety Buffs Pillows

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

"Peter quickly learns the limitations of his new hamster ball."

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

'Throw it out. . . we never use it, unless you can think of someone that might need it.'

Man carrying crates of eggs about to step on sleeping dog.

Santa hosing the Chimney.

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"Maybe this is insignificant, what with everything going on in the world, but do we have a fire extinguisher?"

'New normal' family life

'I know the fire's in the kitchen, but that program just irks the hell out of me.'

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

"Which area of the house is the most dangerous? A. Your wet bathroom, B. Your dirty kitchen, or C. Your cluttered garage?"

"Honey, your radon testing kit is here."

'I lost him in the house, but don't worry, a snake that big should be easy to find.'

'Well those stair gates were a complete waste of money'

"Did we turn off the stove?"

'Is your house baby-proofed?'

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

'I told you he was smart. He turned a potential hazard into a plaything.'

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

"It's all set. If your husband tries to get into the fridge after 9pm he'll receive an electrical shock

'My masters have upgraded the security system: There's a ten-digit passcode on the cat-flap now...'

Beware of Dogs

"Dad went back in to get the smoke alarm and the receipt."