Home Protection Buffs Pillows

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

'Your father installed a security system.'

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"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

'Hello, security.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

'It even has its own built-in home security system!'

"My dad put in a new security system."

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'Nice to have a door opener.'

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

"Honey, your radon testing kit is here."

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

'He's always on the heightened alert!'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

While you were out

"Which area of the house is the most dangerous? A. Your wet bathroom, B. Your dirty kitchen, or C. Your cluttered garage?"

Beware the Dog

'I'm taking a poll. Do you feel safe in your own home?'

"Good defenses make good neighbors."

'My masters have upgraded the security system: There's a ten-digit passcode on the cat-flap now...'