Home Protection Strategist Pillows

' ...so we decided to put in our own flood protection scheme.'

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

The Not-So Smart Meter

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

"Did you get my e-mail about who takes out the trash today?"

Mouse security camera.

"The toaster is sueing the sandwich maker over custody of the bread..."

'You'll have more luck getting the sword out of the stone than getting the remote control out of his hand.'

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

"Bloody houseflies...."

Beware of the dog.

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

"I just got an alert from our smart refrigerator. It's pleading with us to not stick anything else on it."

"My pappy built this shell with his bare claws. I'll be damned if some freeloader moves in."

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

"Which area of the house is the most dangerous? A. Your wet bathroom, B. Your dirty kitchen, or C. Your cluttered garage?"

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

"Honey, your radon testing kit is here."

'I'd go small with this burglar. Way too much collateral damage with the cannon.'

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

"We have so many security cameras, the doormat says 'Say cheese' instead of welcome."

"I think you should turn the water temperature down a bit. The water melted through the tub and then through the floor."

Chess cleaner

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

'It doesn't get nearly enough sun here, but it sure keeps the kids from sliding down the bannister.'

"Dad went back in to get the smoke alarm and the receipt."

Fire Alarm

House hanging on cliff with 'FILL WANTED' sign.

'You'll have to wait until I find my keys.'

'Morning, ma'am. I'm here to install your security system.'

"Beware of everything."

"Watch out for the fourth step."

'But sir! That's the best granite, no burglar could get through that.'

'I'll call 911, and I'd advise you to get rid of that trampoline.'