Home Strategist Pillows

"Did you get my e-mail about who takes out the trash today?"

"Every stupid time I grease the stairs he figures it out."

'I shall be using my conversation during dinner to announce that I shall be mounting a challenge to your supremacy in the home.'

"Since he left work I like to keep him busy around the house!"

Workaholic's note to his wife

'You'll have more luck getting the sword out of the stone than getting the remote control out of his hand.'

Chess cleaner

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

The Not-So Smart Meter

"I thought I was a hoarder, but it turns out I'm a prepper."

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

"The toaster is sueing the sandwich maker over custody of the bread..."

"...But it's only Thursday. I'll be confused all day now."

'Except...That.'

Bird Cage Cover over Wife's Head

'Text your father and tell him I'm not talking to him!'

"I just got an alert from our smart refrigerator. It's pleading with us to not stick anything else on it."

"Yesterday's clothes, which weren't quite dirty enough to wash, or clean enough to put away" "The day before yesterday's clothes" "A parcel you have forgotten to send back" "Your sense of inner peace and harmony" "Clothes from the day before that" "A beloved sock, last seen in February 2023"

"Right, 1:02 minutes to the corporate conference meeting."

'Yes, I'm home early. We had a school fire drill, so naturally I sought the safety of our house.'

Good disciplinarian gaining respect vs. scary nutcase.

"Oh, are you attacking from home today?"

'It's our 10 year plan.'

'Sure raising my allowance is great, daddy but what I really want is power of attorney!!

'I'm married with five children.' - 'Sorry, we're looking for someone with sound judgement.'

'He's my father and I say we dump him pricate...!'

'Ask your father first, dear, then we'll plan our strategy.'

A lady wants a higher fence to protect her man from the neighbour.

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

"You call yourself a pest removal expert? Well, my son is still living in my basement."

"Sorry Helen but you knew I was a management consultant before we got married!"

The Movers Strip - Coffee table reading