Home Strategist Pillows

"Did you get my e-mail about who takes out the trash today?"

"Every stupid time I grease the stairs he figures it out."

'I shall be using my conversation during dinner to announce that I shall be mounting a challenge to your supremacy in the home.'

"Since he left work I like to keep him busy around the house!"

Workaholic's note to his wife

'You'll have more luck getting the sword out of the stone than getting the remote control out of his hand.'

Chess cleaner

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

The Not-So Smart Meter

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

"I thought I was a hoarder, but it turns out I'm a prepper."

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

"The toaster is sueing the sandwich maker over custody of the bread..."

Bird Cage Cover over Wife's Head

'Except...That.'

"...But it's only Thursday. I'll be confused all day now."

'Text your father and tell him I'm not talking to him!'

"I just got an alert from our smart refrigerator. It's pleading with us to not stick anything else on it."

"Right, 1:02 minutes to the corporate conference meeting."

'Yes, I'm home early. We had a school fire drill, so naturally I sought the safety of our house.'

"Yesterday's clothes, which weren't quite dirty enough to wash, or clean enough to put away" "The day before yesterday's clothes" "A parcel you have forgotten to send back" "Your sense of inner peace and harmony" "Clothes from the day before that" "A beloved sock, last seen in February 2023"

Good disciplinarian gaining respect vs. scary nutcase.

"Oh, are you attacking from home today?"

'It's our 10 year plan.'

'I'm married with five children.' - 'Sorry, we're looking for someone with sound judgement.'

'Sure raising my allowance is great, daddy but what I really want is power of attorney!!

"You call yourself a pest removal expert? Well, my son is still living in my basement."

"Sorry Helen but you knew I was a management consultant before we got married!"

'He's my father and I say we dump him pricate...!'

'Ask your father first, dear, then we'll plan our strategy.'

The Movers Strip - Coffee table reading