Self-defense Humorist Gifts

"I tried to warn you Carl, he's a 5th dan black belt in origami...!"

"Your training begins just as it did with the masters of old... with positive affirmations and five minutes of low-impact cardio."

"I don't mind being fat. Harder to kidnap."

Could you send a plumber out? I think the washers have gone!

'Not only do I have a black belt in karate, I also have a husband in the hospital to prove it!'

"Today you will learn the 'Paper Cut' technique."

Dummies for Dummies.

Try again - Your password has to include barks, growls, whines and at least one yap.

'Guns Galore Inc' 'Prolong your Life'

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

"I did warn you about doing that, Gorak. . ."

'Hello, security.'

"If you have an emergency, use this pepper spray."

Bald man polishing head

"She barks once for drugs, twice for weapons, and ten times for candy bars."

"Ohhh... He's out all right!"

'Yes, Fluffy was a great dog and to honor her memory, we've decided to keep her name as part of our computer password.'

"Okay, maybe we should count assembling the exercise bike as your first workout."

"I said, you have to be active in your own rescue!"

'Is that the trebuchet?'

"Can you believe we walked right past security?"

"Say your prayers, liturgies, Tefilah, Daily Salat, Sacred Mantra, Ritual Incantation or the secular affirmation of your choice, Varmint!”

'I don't know if I could really do that to a man.'

Dual Airbags

Ninja

!I haven't a clue what they are, but I don't like the look of them."

Green Belt

Fabric Company: No tulle left in this vehicle overnight

Though it has never been proven, no one has ever denied that Abraham Lincoln had heat vision. Hmmm....

Beware of the teddy

How NOT to solve the problem of 'floating elbow' in your taiji

"I did a risk assessment of the dangers of not doing a risk assessment, and decided it wasn't worth it."

Gingerbread man in Emergency room.

'They might satisfy Health and Safety, but I still think the Hi-Vis jackets send a mixed message.'