Humorous Home Protector Pillows

"I'd say that she's warming up to you!"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

A Hole in the Dike

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

Dog Bookends

'Hello, security.'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"It's not much, but we've made it our own living hell."

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

"The carpet really brings the room together."

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

While you were out

Goldfish in Bowl, "And this is the sitting room and the bedroom and the toilet and...."

"Good defenses make good neighbors."

'You called a plumber!'

"This article says girls will come and go...but family give us unconditional love and will always be there."

'Look out!! My wife is going to hit your with my new 2-iron!'

Selling Home Security Systems.

"You should've called me sooner!"

"Beware of owner."

'I think the flat screen TV goes well next to my flat headed husband.'

'I can't wait to tell the vet what a great mouser you are.'

Do you know why the kitchen ceiling is dripping?

'Hey, I love the moat.'

"Her name is 'Precious', but her nickname is 'why we can't have nice things.'"

Man installing a burglar alarm,