Humorous Homeowner Gifts

'Can I call you back? I'm right in the middle of clawing the couch...'

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

'And just what makes you think I don't know what I'm doing?!!'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

Pest Control

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'Is the fire included?'

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

Mouse real estate!

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

A cock up of builders

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

Beware of the Lawn

Old MacDonald had a genetically modified farm.

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

How to Build a Bungalow

'No, we did not order a corner unit.'

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

'It even has its own built-in home security system!'

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

"My home insurance has dropped since I had it installed."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"