Homeowner Humorist Gifts

Fire Alarm

"We must be paying too much for our mortgage - the bank just named us 'Borrowers of the Month."

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

'We made the last payment and we were burning the mortgage to celebrate.'

'We're not interested in a second mortgage on our house...but how about a first mortgage on the dog house?'

A mortgage and a shitty job-experience centre.

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

House with Damp Problem.

'What do you mean, you've done more for me than my mother did? We've carried you for ten months.'

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"Honey? You'd better get home. The toilet's backed up again."

"I'm sorry, sir, I can't inspect your water lines. I just read the meter."

"Hello, county? You folks are over doing the mosquito fogging today!"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

Yard Sale

Pest Control

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

'Is the fire included?'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Old MacDonald had a genetically modified farm.

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

A cock up of builders

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

How to Build a Bungalow

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."